Over the past four years I have struggled very hard with my heart and my mind. I was not good at relationships to begin with, but when Jason died it made it all that much worse. Not only could I not stick with things for very long, but then I started not trusting life, which multiplied my commitment issues. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust the men I tried relationships with, but that I did not trust God, life, or mortality. The only thing I have known for certain is that every man that walks into my life either walks back out again on their own accord, or dies.
Since Jason I have had 4 relationships. The first one was with Lee. He and I were very briefly engaged. And honestly the only reason for that was because I was in love with the idea of “happily ever after” and Lee was willing to play that part. He bought me an engagement ring for the first time ever, introduced me to his whole family, and became involved in my life too. But we were not compatible. He was not accustomed to the family life, and really had no desire to work a consistent job. We split because he chose partying and being childish over being the man of the family.
The second relationship was with Will. Again, I was in love with the idea of being in love, and not actually in love with Will. The relationship was unnatural. He was using me for a place to stay, for sex, for video games and food. And in turn, I was using him for company so I wouldn’t have to be alone. I tried repeatedly to open my heart to him, but every time I felt I was making progress, he would do something that would throw up red flags for me, such as receive a risque picture message or have a conversation with an ex about the good times they used to have. After a while it was a very forced friendship and relationship, and I pushed him away to an extreme several times. It ultimately ended, after a year, because of lack of communication.
The third relationship was Sean. At first our relationship was awkward, and it felt like we were rushing things too fast. But at the same time, neither one of us wanted to be alone, and we seemed very drawn to one another. I was happy to be with someone that seemed so open and into making a family work, and so willing to be the man of the family. After a few months I fell back into my “push away” mode because I was getting so close to him. The push away happened twice when he took me back. The third time was due to distant living circumstances, and it never worked back out. S was the one person I have truly opened up to since Jason, so I clung pretty hard once I decided to overcome my commitment issues. But it was too late, and I had hurt Sean too much with my issues.
Which leads me right up until now. I am tired of failing in relationships. I am tired of being the one to push the guy away when I feel he has gotten too close. I have no desire to go through another break up. I want to be able to trust someone enough to open up completely, and be trusted enough for him to open up completely to me. To be fully aware of each other, inside and out. Honestly I’d like to work things out with Sean. But I guess it’s just a wait-and-see situation, to be treated with patience and understanding.