I have been lost in thought these past few days. I have been thinking over my relationships and going over everything that I personally did wrong. I can honestly say that the start of the issues definitely came from me. And those issues were a repeat in 3 relationships. I have had commitment issues because I’m still haunted by losing Jason in 2009. I know the event was traumatic, and it caused me a huge amount of pain and internal chaos. And perhaps I’m being too hard on myself… but I think I’m taking it too far. I have used this pain and distrust of life and used it as an excuse not to live my life to the fullest.
Speaking of my most recent year-long relationship in particular: he and I had a good GREAT thing going. He wasn’t perfect, but he was damn-near perfect for me. We had plenty in common, but enough differences to learn from each other and grow as individuals and as a couple. The passion we shared was about as intense as I could imagine. And he was irresistible to me, even when I was mad at him. I truly believed it would last a lifetime. The love I felt for him was, and remains undying.
Of course I was too afraid to admit these things to him because I was insecure and afraid of rejection. I was afraid to let go and live in the moment. I was worried about what would happen “tomorrow” – would his health fail? Would he lose interest in me? Would he get upset about something and walk out of my life? I just couldn’t bear those thoughts and it hurt to imagine things that could have gone wrong.
He told me he loved me, and he told me he felt as strongly as I. But though I wanted to trust him, I still had my doubts. And those doubts were like seeds of a great rift. Once the first little doubt planted itself in my head, it grew. It continued to grow, and even though I loved him so deeply, it grew so much that I felt myself pushing away from him. It was almost as though I had no control and I was watching myself from afar. I started turning my attention in other directions, and told him I needed space. I even split up with him, just to come running back because it hurt so much to be away.
I know it may not make sense to anyone else, but to me, in the moment, for some reason it seemed the right thing to do. I didn’t trust me, I didn’t trust life, I didn’t trust him to stay…. I had no faith. I didn’t want to get hurt, and I didn’t want to hurt him. But in that frantic fear and confusion, I ended up hurting us both.
Since this is about me and not him, I refuse to point fingers and point out his flaws… because honestly I believe the things he did were just his natural reaction to the pain I put him through. No, now it is time for ME to take responsibility for all of that. I messed up. I admit it. I messed up and hurt the only man I have truly fallen in love with since Jason died. A man I feel I had that true lifetime connection with. The best friend and missing piece. And I hurt him! I live my life by “no regrets,” but this time I regret. I don’t know if I’ll truly ever get his forgiveness, and I’m nearly certain our relationship is irreparable. But I am working hard on forgiving myself. I realize that I used my pain over the loss I endured and I took it too far. I used it as an excuse to act in a way that hurt myself and others, and that was wrong.
I am so thankful that I have been able to dig within myself to find these flaws, admit them, and work on fixing them. I never want to hurt anyone like that again. Anyone, ever. I am sorry from the bottom of my heart and I wish I could take it back. But I know I cannot, and I have to live with the consequences of my actions.
And on that note, I vow to myself that I will not get into any commitment without being sure I can be true and loyal. Once I am ready, and I decide to commit, I will be the most loyal, honest, and best woman I can for that man. Through good times and bad, no matter what. No more blaming my past. No more worrying about “what if.” I will live in the present and live to the fullest. That is my vow to myself.