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The Mother

Just a couple weeks before my 21st birthday I found out I was pregnant with my first child.  He was planned, and I was so happy!  Within a week the 9-11 event happened.  I sat in the middle of my living room cross-legged on the floor and cried.  I wondered what the hell I was doing bringing a new life into such a dark world.  However time passed and the joys of pregnancy filled my mind and heart once again.  As my belly grew, so did my love for the beautiful life inside me.  I would play with him through my belly, pushing the little lumps as they rearranged and pushed back.  His dad and I got married only 3 days before he was born.  Once my water broke my labor was short and sweet.  Only one dose of pain meds and 2o minutes of pushing later (4 hours total labor), I had my beautiful baby boy Andy.

Andy and I were inseparable.  I breastfed, co-slept, and used a Snugglie to carry him around.  He was the center of my universe.

When Andy was about a year and a half old, Mark and I decided we wanted to try for another baby – preferably a brother for Andy to play with.  And with one try I was pregnant again.  Same story with my second pregnancy – I was in love with the belly bean growing inside me.  I wanted Andy to have siblings like I didn’t, so I was thrilled to be able to give that to him.  It was a little more difficult.  My 2nd pregnancy was more painful, more draining.  Perhaps because I had a toddler to take care of at the same time, though Andy was a very easy baby.  Perhaps it was because Mark and I split up halfway through the pregnancy.  But after a very long last couple of months, my second baby boy Evan made his appearance 3.5 weeks early by emergency c-section, but healthy as could be!  Again with the breastfeeding, but Evan didn’t like be carried around and held all the time, so he slept in his own crib.

Then by accident, I was pregnant again only 3 months later.  Though I felt very blessed to have another baby, I had not fully recovered from my 2nd pregnancy, so my 3rd was very hard and exhausting.  It was for this reason that I decided to get a tubal-ligation during my scheduled c-section (too early to VBAC).  I signed the papers for the sterilization early on, and did my best to cherish every moment of the pregnancy, knowing it would be my last.  I had a toddler and an infant to care for during my third pregnancy, so it was hard to cherish, but I did my best.  When my third baby boy Cory was born, I breastfed once again, and co-slept a little.  It was hard to do with 2 other boys wanting my attention so much, too.

By the time Cory was born, the kids’ dad was living with me and helping me out with the kiddos.  There was no way I could have done it on my own, so I was very grateful for his help.  At the time I was overwhelmed with little boys and glad to know I could not get pregnant again (age 24).

pregHowever, the relief of the permanent birth control did not last long.  Since about 2006 I wished I hadn’t gotten the tubal-ligation.  In hindsight, I never should have made the decision to have a tubal while I was pregnant, emotional and exhausted.  I wish I would have had someone to advise me to wait until I had recovered to make such a big decision.  I was glad that I didn’t have to worry about getting pregnant when my marriage had failed.  But on the other hand, I knew that someday I would find “the one” that I wanted to stay with, and that he would probably want a child of his own.

So now I am 32 years old and at the point where I either need to make a plan to have the expensive surgery, pray with all my heart and soul for a miracle baby, or accept that it just won’t happen.  I have gone back and forth with these options for a while now.  I never made the move to have the surgery because I was never with the right man… until now.  But that still doesn’t mean it will happen any time soon, or at all.

My personal hope would be to have just one more baby.  But only time will tell if that is in my future.  My heart aches for another baby now and has for a few years.  I may not have the perfect life, a lot of money, or lots of luxuries… it may not be the perfect time for another baby.  But then again, I don’t believe there is ever a “perfect” time for such events.

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