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Goodbye Past

A little look into the past…  Last week I went out for supper and as I was walking up to the buffet, I was looking at an adorable toddler checking out the fish in the aquarium.  As I passed, I looked up into the face of the dad and smiled, and realized in just a moment that it was an old friend whom I hadn’t seen in years.  He had that same look he used to give me when we were close.  It brought back so many memories all at once.  And then, as fast as the memories hit me, it also hit me that I don’t have to be nervous and weird in such situations anymore.  I have the man I will stay with forever, and I have no one else to impress.  And it eased my anxiety.

Then over the next few days I thought about what it was like being close with him.  He and I would just hang out on the couch and watch TV.  He would roll his own cigarettes and occasionally play his guitar and sing.  I was in awe of his musical talents.  He also wrote his own songs and had such a confident, peaceful nature.  He inspired me in so many ways.  I was writing poems and song lyrics, creating art again.  I felt so free!  These nighttime visits happened quite a few times.  The last time I visited we layed in bed and talked for hours and we fell asleep in each other’s arms.  The next morning when he took me home, he told me we were getting too close, that it was never supposed to turn into a relationship, and that he and I were both developing feelings beyond friends with benefits.  So we agreed to not see each other any more.  And that was the last time I saw him until the restaurant.

I considered all of these memories, and then I realized I romanticized the whole experience.  What really happened: I was very low on self-esteem.  I wanted attention.  He used me.  I mostly sat on his couch and watched him do his normal things, and didn’t talk much.  I listened.  He did inspire me, but I couldn’t express that to him because I wasn’t able – I had too much anxiety and too little self-esteem to confidently be myself.  Once I started to open up to him with some of my written art, he freaked out by the depth of my emotion and pushed me away.  It hurt, but I moved on.

And being aware of the reality: I AM SO GLAD TO BE FREE of that bullshit.  A lot of my “relationships” went that way.  They were one-sided.  I felt like a spectator because I was too down on myself to speak up and just be me!  I have grown and improved so much since that period of my life.  So I must say: thanks, old friend, for the eye-opening experience of seeing you again.

I compare the old me to the new me, and my new reality.  Sean isn’t using me.  He is really good for me.  He builds me up as I build him up.  It is mutual.  I feel like the luckiest woman in the world to have him as my partner, by my side through this roller coaster called life.  Its not always easy, but he and I have waded through a lot of our own bullshit, and we have come out the other side stronger and better together.  I can easily and happily look back on old experiences, reminisce, then be honest with myself about what really happened, and move on knowing I have everything I’ve ever wanted right now.  And all of those old experiences led me to exactly where I am.  My life is great now, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

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