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Finding Me

I am in the last couple months of being 33 years old, and I am just now really finding me.  It has taken me this long!!  I am evaluating the sights, sounds, flavors, smells, and sensations around me all seemingly for the first time.  What do I really like compared to what have I accepted as my own preference because it was someone else’s preference?  What kind of music really moves me?  What scents bring back the best memories and comfort?  What are my favorite foods, and how is my favorite way to eat them?  What is my favorite genre of movie or television show?  Do I like reading?  Do I like math, science, writing, animals, nature, electronics, etc?

When I was in my tweens and teens I was the victim of sexual abuse at least a couple of times.  I grew up being a doormat, and I let boys and men take advantage of me…. and some I didn’t allow but they took anyway.  I was never a good friend to others because I was so inside my own victimized perception, always wanting to please people.  Then in my 20s I spent that entire decade either pregnant, breastfeeding, or just staying at home for the sake of the kids.  It was a fulfilling time for parenting, but also a lonely time because I withdrew from all of my friends and family.  I had post-pardum depression, and my marriage failed.  Then toward the end of my 20s I suffered the very tragic loss of my fiance, Jason.

Here I am now, in my 30s.  My children are 12, 10 and 8 years old.  Its been 5 years since the passing of Jason.  And I still haven’t done anything for ME!  My kids, the men I’ve dated, my mom and sister, even my friends… they have all ALWAYS come first.  I have always given everything I have to make the people close to me comfortable and happy.  I have very seldom ever given to myself anything of real value.  Not proper education, not new clothes, not a healthy or active lifestyle… really nothing!  And every time I have gotten it into my head to try being healthier or being better to myself, something happens that sets me back into a haze of circumstance, and I am neglected once again.
So lately, little by little, I have been evaluating what it is I really like.  I have been trying to decide where I want to start, and what little steps I can take to make my life feel good for ME.  There has been a lot of stress, so its a slow process.  But that is life.  Always changing, always learning, always growing.

Some of the things so far that I know I want: a body that is stronger and more fit, a diet that is more pure and nourishing, clothes that make me feel more feminine and less poor, and at least a few minutes per day to just smile, laugh and dance around the house even if its for no reason, and a much more positive home environment.  I want security, happiness, and warmth to radiate from me when I am out in public.  I want to be sure of myself, and know that I am doing right by me and my standards.  And I want to care less what other people may think of my life choices, because what they like and don’t like shouldn’t make any difference to me and my path.

I cannot say this is a turning point for me, because just writing about it doesn’t change anything. Its a process.  Its one I am enjoying, and one that will be long… perhaps even for the rest of my life.  But at least now I can do things for me without feeling selfish.  I am a person too, and I should not neglect me just because I feel someone else has a right to my attention or time.  I need to come first.  Because if I am not healthy and truly happy, then I can’t be a good mother, daughter, lover, wife, sister or friend to anyone else.

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