I read an article recently entitled “Why Your Crush On My Husband Is Not OK.” After reading the title alone I sorta judged it as an insecure wife who was threatened by some random insignificant bimbo. But it was shared on Facebook by a friend, and I thought I would go ahead and give it a read-through. I was surprised by the very valid points that were made, and it opened my eyes to how I may have been perceived when I was single. Yes, I was overly-flirty at times. I may have confessed to a crush or feelings for a man or two that was committed, in the past. In the article, the author asks,
“Why tell a married man that you have a crush on him? What’s the goal? Do you want a relationship with him? You realize that means he would have to leave his wife for you, right? You would be destroying a family. Are you seeking an affair? You would be ok with the lies and the deceit of an affair? You are that immoral and that lustful? Are you seeking just a web flirtation and a fantasy? You realize that is still wrong right? You are aiding in breaking down the trust and commitment of a marriage. What’s your motivation here? Why tell a married man you’re interested?”
In my past I really didn’t think all of that through. I did confess my feelings with a slight amount of hope, I admit. But I never expected anything to come of it. I didn’t think through the details of the man keeping that secret from his wife or starting any break-down of trust. I believed what I was doing was harmless. (By the way, nothing ever came of any of those situations in my life)
Now that I am in what I believe will the the last, longest and most meaningful relationship of my life, I understand the other side of this. I get it! Its not about being insecure or threatened. Its about people’s general lack of consideration and respect for other people.
“Expressing your crush on my husband is disrespectful, not only to me but to the sanctity of our marriage. … How classless and immoral do you have to be to not only express your feelings for a man with a wife but to also publicly display that you have no respect for his wife or his marriage? … Are you trying to encourage deceit in what is the most sacred of relationships? Were you thinking he would keep it from me, that you would have a secret friendship, that you would somehow be closer or more important to my husband than I am?”
I don’t think a person who has never had such a strong bond and deep commitment with another, could possibly understand the feeling behind these words. They are just words until you are in a place where you feel personally attacked by the lack of respect from other people. I dare compare it to having your home robbed, only with the person you feel closest to rather than belongings.
And then after the feelings have been expressed to this man, and the woman still wants to be friends as if nothing ever happens. The author has a great answer for that too,
“It’s simply because your morals have already been shown to be questionable and because you cannot be trusted. Of course I trust my husband but trusting my husband does not mean that you are suddenly deserving of trust or friendship.”
Yet another point I didn’t really understand until recently. Why would a wife trust a woman who has made her feelings known about her husband? Its not a matter of being overly paranoid or insecure. Its a matter of the “crush-er” not having respect for your relationship, and therefore is not friend material.
For so long I really didn’t understand the “jealous wife’s” point of view. And now I do. I feel enlightened, and its good to understand now what I was doing wrong all that time.