I have accepted in recent months that I identify most closely with Athiesm. I certainly don’t believe in Christianity in any way, nothing about prophets or anything monotheistic. I’m not certain I believe in Gods or Goddesses or anything in that realm. However, I do certainly believe in energy – half scientific and half metaphysical. I believe in the power of prayer not because you’re depending on a God to help you, but because it is the projection of energy to help with a common goal. I think gatherings in churches and festivals are a great idea, because it creates a community of like-minded individuals that can lean on each other for help, whether it be spiritually, medically, or financially. I have a lot of ideas on what religion should not be, but that’s not what this post is about.
I have struggled with religion / spirituality for years. I first was raised as Christian (Lutheran). When I started to question it, I was met with frustration and anger from my dad and the church. Perhaps if they would have treated the situation differently, and met my curiousity with love and respect, with answers of faith rather than disgust, I would have continued down that path. I don’t really know for certain. But what I do know is that my curiousity was met with negative feedback, so I turned my back on it all.
Then I found this book “Earth Power” by Scott Cunningham in the bedroom of a friend when I was in 7th grade. Reading it was like coming home! The powers of Mother Earth, the elements, and the possibilities in it all drew me in all the way. It started me on a quest to learn as much as possible. Back then, in the early to mid 90s, there was not a lot of accurate information online on the subject, nor were there many books yet, but I did my best. I found communities online of fellow Wiccans, I researched and performed my own solitary rituals, and I defended it all to the Christian community from which I had just come, and to my family. My dad didn’t take kindly to it at all, but my mom just gave me the advice be careful.
I continued to follow this path for many years, and it grew and evolved with me as life happened, as I met more people in the same path, and as I gained more wisdom. The event that turned the tables for me was when my fiancé Jason passed away in front of me and my boys. He had a heart attack in the middle of our hallway at age 34 and died before the paramedics could arrive. It was the first time I had witnessed a death, and the first time I had lost someone I was so close with. Losing him turned my world absolutely upside down. I was never and will never be the same. It created a sense of doubt and wonder in me: What happened to his body exactly, specifically, that made his life end? How can a life be so very fragile? Once he was taken from the hospital to the funeral home, what would happen to his body? Was his spirit still around, wondering what had happened? Was he just as sad and traumatized as me from the event? What happened to his body when he was cremated? How did the process work exactly? What happens after life? How do I keep on living my life when something so traumatizing happened? And those questions led to more, and more. Curiousities so far and wide in topic that I totally lost sight of my spirituality over the course of the following 5 years. I instead studied science, the universe, technology, physics, biology and physiology, and more. All the while wanting to rediscover my spirituality, but never quite finding a place for it in my ever-skeptical mind.
Which leads to now, today. I have accepted that I am mostly an Athiest. I believe in the good in people, but also the bad. I believe strongly in balance. The energy that keeps us alive is also the energy we can focus to accomplish what we need or desire. Prayer and meditation can focus that energy. I would still like to reconnect with Mother Earth, re-establish my connection with the powers within and come back to my witchy ways. After all, that is when I was the happiest. It was what felt like home. I’m continuing to work on it. I really think when I feel best is when I’ve been to a gathering or a group ritual. But those will be coming up this summer and I will find my way to at least one, for my own spiritual well-being. It’s time to put myself back out there, make some new connections with people that can help me, and enjoy the outdoors more frequently.
Sorry if this post seems rather pointless. I’m just sorting through my history and trying to make sense of things for myself. I’d like to get back on a spiritual path that is more fulfilling than just science and facts. I’ve improved my psychological state, I’m working on making big improvements to my physical self, so now it’s time to dig deep and really work on my spiritual self as well.