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Breaking The Addiction

It’s been really hard to let go of my relationship after 4 years of fighting so hard to keep it going.  We had so many personal issues individually, and we weren’t necessarily good to each other from the start.  After fighting so long and so hard to make it all work out, the separation feels like breaking an addition.

A couple of years ago he told me he couldn’t be with someone who couldn’t work, and that had no motivation.  So out of desperation, I made a promise to him to get help for my own personal issues that were getting in the way of a healthy relationship. I had a very low self-esteem, no job, and crippling anxiety that kept me from working or doing much of anything for myself.  And so, keeping my promise to him (and trying to keep him) I got help.  I worked so hard in therapy to fix myself.  I got a job, and eased into a working lifestyle slowly.  I got satisfaction from the job, and little by little I became more sure that I was able to do things.  That I was worthy and able to contribute at work and at home.  As I gained more confidence in myself, I gained more confidence in the relationship, and moved it forward.  But the only acknowledgement I got from him was his happiness about the money from working.  No acknowledgement or support for the anxiety, trust issues, commitment issues, or lifestyle.

Looking back, I should have focused more on myself rather than the relationship.  I can see now that he wasn’t working on himself at all, which is something I should have required of him as well.  Ultimately it seems, it was his own lack of self-confidence, self-worth, and trust, that led him to leave.

For quite some time now, I have felt like I was the only one wanting to continue on, like I was the only one trying.  That’s not a good feeling.  I felt I was unwanted, and that he wanted me to change to be someone else to be with him… like my life choices, and all of my personal progress was insignificant and childish.  Not good enough.

But now, I don’t need him to validate my positive changes.  I can do for myself.  My anxiety is under control for the most part, and I continue to work on it.  He was such a crutch for my self-growth for the last couple of years, but it’s time for me to walk alone.  I have a full-time job that I enjoy.  I am fully able to take care of my family, pets and home on my own. I will do this.  And I will be stronger and happier than ever before.

The next person who walks into my life will have much higher standards to live up to.  They’ll have to be pretty special to be able to get into my heart, and into my family.  I refuse to settle anymore.  I’m better, and I’m worth so much more.

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