So In Love

Throughout my life I have involved myself in a few romantic relationships.  Some seemed good at first and withered.  Some were bad from the start but I settled anyway.  Some were out of loneliness or desperation.  Some were out of boredom and the desire for company.  But ultimately, none of them worked out in the long run.

There’s that saying “someday someone will come along that will make you understand why it never worked out with anyone else.”  I always wanted to believe that, but thought it to be a fantasy; an inspirational quote to keep people’s spirits up.  Until it happened to me.

And now, now there’s this guy Jarrod, and he’s like no one I’ve ever met before.  It started off very casually, working together and associating with each other only at work.  But as time went on, we talked more and more during our shared shifts.  We discovered through our conversations that we have been through a lot of the same troubles in relationships, parenting, just life in general.  We discovered that we have the same beliefs on the big things, like religion and politics.  We share a very similar parenting style, with a great love and appreciation for our children and family.

Then we started talking and spending time together outside of work once Jake and I split up, which is where things started to move very quickly.  Days have blended together, nights have flown by, just talking and discussing our lives, and finding strong similarities at every turn, which is still continuing today.  It was sudden, and crazy, but we know with absolute certainty that this will be forever.  Kindred spirits, soul mates.  There’s no denying it.  The similarities, the comfort we find in one another, the deepest unexplainable connection we share.  Being with him makes me realize why it never worked with anyone else, for real.  No fantasy.  And he feels the same way.  It feels like we were born for each other.

married83017We have had our children all spend time together which went well, as we both expected it to go.  And we are moving quickly on moving in together.  And the big news – we ran off to Colorado and got married on August 30th!  Because face it, life is too short and unexpected things happen, and neither one of us wanted to waste time getting wrapped up in overthinking and hesitation over something we both know will certainly last the rest of our lifetime.  We had a very private ceremony – only the 2 of us, and later on will throw a wedding for all of our friends and family… likely on our 1- or 2-year anniversary.

The trip was great! I had never been to Colorado, and Jarrod hadn’t been in many years. We drove there and back, and stayed in a beautiful bed and breakfast called Meadow Creek Mountain Lodge.  It’s just southwest of Denver.  The bed and breakfast had a hot tub, a heavenly king sized bed, and the owner was a pretty great guy too, and made a wonderful breakfast for us.  We were able to run around Denver a bit and shop for our rings, and have supper there in Denver.  Then we enjoyed alone time and slept in before we had to head back to Iowa.

We have both agreed to put this blog post out there for the public because we both know there will be people in our lives who will not understand why we would move so fast, or make such a crazy, bold, impulsive decision.  We are both very aware that is what we are doing.  But we are here to say that it is OUR decision to make, and we would love your support and understanding, whether or not you understand our reasoning.  We are very thrilled with our decision, and don’t regret a thing!

Drama!

So I broke up with my boyfriend of over a year, and started seeing someone else.  I’ve gotten quite a lot of backlash, and to be honest, all those people who wanna be jerks about my decision to do that can go to hell.

The relationship I was in for this past year was never meant to be.  When I was left by my husband last summer, I sought the companionship of an old friend.  I needed someone to talk to about it all, and someone to keep be busy and distract me from the mourning of my lost marriage.  I never wanted it to be anything more than that, and in my fragile and heartbroken state, he sortof pushed his way into a relationship with me.  I coasted into it without much thought and rode it out.  It didn’t take long for it to be emotionally and psychologically abusive.  He started by pushing my closest friends away, though they just stayed away from him not me, it still made it harder for me to spend time with them.  He would throw a fit every time I wanted to spend time with them and not him.  Then he started terrorizing my family by throwing all-out rage fits.  Throwing things, breaking things, kicking our belongings around the house.  In January he left, but I was so lost at that point in my life that we got back together.  He had me under his control at that point, and I didn’t know how to break my cycle of wanting to be with him, but knowing I deserved better.  He continued to pick fights with me, and I would plead with him to just tell me what I needed to do to make him happy, how to appease his mood swings.  He would tell me ideas to cope with it, I would try them the next time, and it would set him off worse.  He ended up alienating my children from me in my own home, my sister entirely by threatening her physically, and was in the process of pushing my mom away as well.  I still tried hard to make him happy, to ease his chronic anger, to make him see we could live a happy peaceful life if he’d just calm down.  But it was all for nothing.  The breaking point was my recent extreme paranoia in public when I would talk to people he didn’t like me talking to.  And knowing my kids deserved better, and deserved to see me happy.  I knew then I was in a very bad state and it must end.  So I pulled the plug, knowing it would result in a BIG blow up on his end.  I did my best to stay away while he packed his stuff and moved out of my home.  But even up through today, he chooses to continue to send me threatening and insulting text messages and emails.

And now I’m dealing with severe criticism from anonymous people and not-so-anonymous people.  Saying I shouldn’t man-hop, and I should be comfortable being alone.  But here’s the deal: I am NOT afraid to be alone.  I’m quite self-sufficient as a matter of fact.  I am comfortable in my own solitary presence, comfortable in my own skin, and quite confident in my ability to provide for my family in every way they need it.  Being happy with myself is not something I lack.

In terms of the someone new: again people want to judge without knowing the story.  But I’ll save that one for another post, because he’s not even in the same category as my recent breakup, or anyone else from my past.  He deserves his own space to be bragged about, because he’s something amazing.  He’d have to be, after the HELL I’ve been through, to be able to truly capture my heart the way he has….

 

(Comments have been disabled for this post.  I’m tired of the bullshit.  Read it, but unless you have something positive or supportive to add, I don’t wanna hear anything at all.)

Finding What’s Lost

I’ve been feeling pretty lost lately.  I have no job and have had crappy luck finding one, though I’ve had several interviews.  My middle son has been having some pretty extreme behavior issues in school and at home again the last couple months after several months of doing better.  My finances are in ruin.  I haven’t been doing great with my diet and exercise, due to the stress, depression, and anxiety from everything else.  And a few other personal problems I am choosing not to discuss in my public blog.  I feel like I’ve been slowly losing myself over the course of the last few months… so what is a woman to do?

I have been distant from my spirituality for quite some time.  I have been overly skeptical and leaning away from anything spiritual, focusing more on the logical and scientific ways of thinking.  But I’ve gotta say, in tough times like these, science doesn’t bring me any peace of mind.  So I’ve decided to start back in with my spiritual studies.  A couple nights ago I asked my faithful tarot cards for guidance, and some wonderful wisdom came from them on all accounts of my current challenges.  Then last night I picked up a couple of my Laurie Cabot books and started reading her philosophies on Wicca/Paganism, and how she applies it to other faiths and walks of life.  I’ve gotta say, she is the person I left off with when I walked away from my spirituality, and she is the person reeling me back in and making me feel at home.

1016521_146840648841411_1015105813_nBasically the philosophy is, no matter what you believe in, or what terms you use for the Divine, it’s all the same.  You can put a name to it, you can call it God or Goddess, you can worship, meditate, pray to yourself or with others, but no matter what, you’re still calling on the energies of the earth and the Universe to aid in your needs, and the needs of others.  Even science confirms that directing energy with thought works.  So not only do I have the analytical part of my brain appeased, but I can get back into the spiritual side of me, where I find companionship with like-minded people, and comfort knowing the Universe has got my back.

I plan to start going to a women’s group I’ve been considering joining for about 2 years now.  I will start meditating when I can, and seeing my therapist again. And I’m going to take back control of my body for my own health and well-being as well.  I’ve been slacking in many ways of self-care, and it’s time I start taking care of me again, so I can be the best I can be for not only myself, but my family as well.

I believe once I get back on track, everything else will start to fall into place, just as it should.

Stir-Crazy

Due to my physical limitations with my hip dysplasia, my surgeries, and some family issues, I have been out of work for a little over 2 months.  For the last few weeks I haven’t been able to such as lift anything or exercise besides walking, and walking is limited due to my hips.  This is not a complaint, it is just fact.  But the complaint here is that it sucks!

ballexerciseOn Tuesday I get to go for a recheck with the surgeon who performed my Panniculectomy, and at that time I will most certainly be asking if I can resume exercise.  I know I have a weight restriction for at least 6 weeks of 10 pounds, so weight training isn’t an option yet.  But if I could go to the YMCA and ride a stationary bike, or walk a treadmill for short periods that I can handle, or do some other aerobic activity, that would be wonderful!  Plus I feel like I’m losing muscle mass.  I know I’m not gaining weight back, but I feel lazy and depressed.  I need activity.

I’d also like to be able to volunteer my time in the local shelter, or help a groomer with bathing dogs, or something of that sort.  I need to find things to do outside of my home, with other people, in some sort of social environment.  I miss my work so very much, but I don’t think I’d be capable of doing everything that being a veterinary assistant requires anymore, as sad as that makes me.  That was honestly my dream job.  I learned something new every day.  It made me think, and exercised my brain.

Blog-image-burchielI need to find more activities that do that for me.  I’m going stir-crazy in my home all the time.  I don’t know how I managed to be a stay-at-home mom for 12 years.  It’s no wonder I had social anxiety so bad, being cooped up and secluding myself from other people.  The social anxiety isn’t gone, but I certainly don’t want it getting worse again.  I need to push myself to do more.  I need to grow as a person, not take steps backwards.

Trending In My Life – April 2017

I haven’t done a “Trending In My Life” for quite some time I realized.  I got out of the habit of blogging or vlogging there for a few months.  So I thought I’d give a little update.  I don’t think I’ll try to do these monthly anymore, but I will try to do them periodically as things change.

Game: Going right back to THE SIMS with this one.  It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to play for any amount of time.  But since I recently sold my iPad Pro and purchased a decent laptop computer, I am able to get back to playing again.

TV Show: CW’s No Tomorrow, streaming on Netflix.  And Awake, also streaming on Netflix.  No Tomorrow is a very upbeat romantic comedy that makes you look at what you would do if the world was coming to an end in the very near future.  It helps you explore the possibilities of stepping outside your comfort zone and taking chances in your life to make your life more fulfilling.  A very fun adventure, and I’m sure hoping for a 2nd season!  Awake is about a man who got into a major car accident and is living 2 realities.  In one reality he lost his wife in the crash, and in the other he lost his son.  I’ve only gotten through the pilot plus a little more, but very intriguing so far, for sure.

YouTube: I’m no longer watching YouTube regularly, so the YouTuber section will now be discontinued.  For that matter I’m really no longer vlogging anymore either.  I enjoy writing a lot more than speaking into my camera.  I’ll still post the occasional video of things that we’ve been doing, concerts, etc.  But vlogging is on hold for now.

Music: I’m always looking for new music.  Recently some of the bands I’ve been listening to are Pop Evil, Highly Suspect, Red Sun Rising, and Twenty-One Pilots.  I’ve even seen 3 of those 4 in concert this year so far!

Interest: As always, I’m learning as much as I can about the Panniculectomy surgery I had and about the Breast Reduction I have coming up.  I tend to research medical things that are going on with me as much as possible so I can be prepared.  I do this by reading not only medical articles, but by trying to find patient testimonials as well.  I found a site RealSelf.com that has been helpful with finding other patients to network with.  And of course I’ve been trying to put as much info out there as possible too, for anyone looking for information from the patient point of view.